Was it a sign? Or just a coincidence?

On my way to work last night, I was listening to the radio (like most people do while driving, right?) and contemplating my life, my friendships and my pain. (There were commercials on at the time.  LOL)  The experience of my last pregnancy damaged me in ways that I'm not sure I'll ever heal from fully.  And my friendships have suffered. Most of those who saw me through that time in my life treat me differently now, if they're even around at all.  So many people pulled away, not being able to handle the pain of it.  They didn't know what to say or what to do.  Somehow, to them, I was suddenly different.  I became this unfamiliar creature who was broken and in danger of falling apart.  So I started to hide.

Not literally, of course.  I had a job I went to every day.  I had a life.  And, of course, I couldn't hide my pregnancy.  I was HUGE.  But I could hide my pain, make everyone believe that I was OK.  It didn't change much, though.  They still treated me like I was damaged and no longer me.  Even now, I still hide.  Four years later, I am still mourning the loss of my youngest son.  Four years later, I still cry (when I'm alone).  And four years later, I wondered as I drove, why?

Why, when we hear someone we know and have known for a long time has experienced a tragedy, do we suddenly treat them differently?  For me, all I wanted was normalcy.  When the doctors told us that Christopher would die before or very soon after he was born, my world turned into something I didn't recognize anymore.  It was all twisted and dark and painful.  It was all wrong.  And suddenly, I was alone.  I didn't know these people I'd called friend for so long.  I tried reaching out, not for them to help me, but just for conversation... About anything, well, anything but Christopher.  But they couldn't face me without seeing it, and they didn't have to if they didn't want to.  I really don't blame them.  If you didn't have to face such a horrifying experience, would you?

But I digress.... And I'm thinking about all these things, and I wondered, What would happen if I stopped hiding?  How many (more) of my friends would turn away from me, not being able to stand the weight of seeing my pain?  Should I change and truly "let it all out?"  No, I probably shouldn't.  No one likes a whiner, right?  No one will want to be around you.  (evil, nasty little inner voice... it's mean to me most of the time)

And the DJ on the local station came back on, interrupting my ponderings, and played this song.

Just as my mean inner voice convinced me that it was best if I hid pieces of myself from the world, this song played.  Now, it could very well be just a coincidence.  A happy chance, right?  But maybe, just maybe, the universe was giving me a message.

Here are the lyrics if you're not familiar with the song, you need a refresher, or you just want to read the words....

True Colors
(as sung by Cyndi Lauper, written by Billy Steinberg & Tom Kelly)

You with the sad eyes
Don't be discouraged
Oh I realize
Its hard to take courage
In a world full of people
You can lose sight of it all
And the darkness inside you
Can make you feel so small


But I see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful,
Like a rainbow


Show me a smile then,
Don't be unhappy, can't remember
When I last saw you laughing
If this world makes you crazy
And you've taken all you can bear
You call me up
Because you know I'll be there


And I'll see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful,
Like a rainbow


(When I last saw you laughing)
If this world makes you crazy
And you've taken all you can bear
You call me up
Because you know I'll be there


And I'll see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show


Your true colors
True colors
True colors
Shining through


I see your true colors
And that's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful,
Like a rainbow